Househelps, maids, mboch, home manager — whatever you call them — cook, clean every spot in our houses, do the laundry and look after our children. They know some of our deepest secrets, and even know what the husband’s boxers look like. Without them, some families would be in turmoil. But before you know it, that woman who you sometimes ignore like furniture, or put under the microscope, could soon officially graduate into your children’s stepmother, yes, your co-wife.
Lina Omare just could not imagine what attracted her husband to the poor tacky househelp. But the more she thought about it, the more she got confused. And the fact that her husband was willing to marry the househelp troubled her the more. Her husband, Noah is the general manager of one of the country’s leading banks, and Lina the human resource manager of a top insurance company.
They had been married for 15 years. He was a respected church elder where they fellowship every Sunday, and the youth looked up to him as a role model. His humility and modest disposition, despite his position, were simply matchless. And his moral uprightness was unquestionable.
In a world where all men are often tarred with the same brush with regard to fidelity, Lina often boasted about her husband’s commitment: “Even if I catch him naked in the same room with another woman, I will still doubt if anything really happened between them,” she would tell her friends.
So she just could not understand what came over him to have stooped so low to have an affair with their not-so-attractive, and illiterate woman. It was the fear of hiring a house help that could entice her husband that made her decide against engaging Cynthia, the high school dropout who looked a bit more presentable and literate than Irene, now her co-wife.
“I don’t not understand why my husband could not tame himself against his own househelp after he had endured some of the most tempting women of his life,” admits Lina. Lina remembers her husband effecting transfers of two of his personal secretaries and requested that he would no longer work with any female secretary because of their seductive tendencies.
“The most tempting of all was his nightly encounter with Marion, the sexy public relations executive from the bank’s communications department, who often travelled with him for business meetings,” she narrates. Despite his ability to ward off these kinds of mounting pressures from women, Lina is surprised that her husband, who she thought could never look at another woman twice, could fall for their househelp, when there was practically no temptation.
So you can imagine how the budding relationship between her husband and the househelp almost caused her a heart attack! She had never suspected anything until eventually, like nature would have it, the seed her husband and their house girl had sown in a relationship that had lasted about three months in her own house began to manifest — Irene’s two-months pregnancy!
What infuriated her the more, Lina’s husband insisted that he was renting a house for Irene and pledged to support his baby and the mother! He could not take the blame for infidelity and instead, Noah blamed Lina for the mess. He told her that the househelp had something that she did not have. Noah said the househelp respected him.
She made him feel welcome in his home. But why go in for a maid? What is behind the appeal of seducing an employee, specifically one who works in your home? Are women failing in their role as wives? Men claim that women today are not being wives. Career women, they say, have become so distant and aggressive that they have become a turnoff to men. “She denies you sex, she is moody and does not talk to you.
So, you look for pleasure elsewhere,” says Patrick, a father of two. He confesses that he does not remember the last time he kissed his wife, because ‘She is never there’. “She always claims she had a difficult day and she is tired. And what do I do when I have a woman under my roof, whether she is a maid or not?” Agnes Zani, a sociologist from the University of Nairobi says men are emotionally driven beings who want their wives to show them that they are appreciated.
She says that what attracts men to women is their femininity. This is the same way women find masculinity attractive in men. Unfortunately, women these days have become so masculine, distant and aggressive that they have become a turn offto men. “Many women use their salary and position at work to transform themselves from the beautiful feminine woman they are into becoming more masculine at home.
This could be making feminine and submissive maids at home attractive to men,” she says adding, “the househelp makes their bed, washes his pants and even cooks and serves the husband food. Human beings by nature love a person who is close to them.” Some women are impolite to their husbands and this forces them to look for comfort elsewhere. “This frustrates husbands, who feel women must be submissive to them.
The result is that the husband looks for an easy, submissive alternative around them for sex, and in this case, housemaids,” says zani. Magdalene Wangui, a marriage counsellor concurs that domestic workers are becoming so powerful that many marriages and relationships are threatened. She says cases of men sleeping with their helpers are on the rise, and most cases of infidelity she has dealt with has involved a helper.
These women, she notes, are often younger, obedient, enlightened, single and struggling with financial issues, and many of the men they sleep with are doing well financially. With money and power comes a sense of entitlement. She adds that men like to use their masculinity to advance their power by picking on weaker people such as maids and young girls.
“House girls in the present day are younger, wear stylish clothes, are more educated and because of their age they are vulnerable and available to their male bosses,” she explains. She says by nature power is attractive and maids are at risk because they may also be attracted to the allure of male power. “The power dynamic works both ways because maids are also privy to the private lives of those who pay them.
Maids get to see their secrets. So, in a way, the bosses are beholden to the maid. She has power over them.” She warns couples especially wives from involving the maid in their personal conflicts by, for example, complaining to the maid about the wife or the husband. She tells women to get more involved in the house work even if they are not doing the job themselves.
The intangibles She also says couples can also just agree to treat the maid as the employee of the wife so that subsequently, even though tasks are carried out by the maid, the instructions and intentions come from the wife, thereby strengthening the couple’s relationship. Susan Catherine Keter, author of the book Marriage takes more than love admits that house girls are a threat to the marriage institution.
She agrees that physical appearance and good cooking will attract a man, but will not sustain a marriage in the long term. When the pressures of life catch up, children need to further their education, aging parents get chronically ill and bills soar, the job market becomes hostile and cut-throat; the man will realise that great looks and cooking are not all that he needs, as peace of mind is the number one need.
“Marriage is more than sex, good cooking and the dressing code. She says you cannot compare a househelp who just does the house chores and ‘is always there’ to your wife who is working hard sacrificing her time with you to complement your financial contribution in the home,” she says. She blames men who leave their wives for the maids as having other problems other than the excuse of neglect, adding that the best thing wife can do is to let him keep her since the problem does not lie with the wife. - By BETTY MUINDI ....on THE PEOPLE
Your marriage can be the most beautiful thing to ever happen to you but only if you go into it knowing exactly why you are getting into it in the first place. There are marriages that are very successful and while it takes both parties to play their role, your partner choice really matters. Often you will ask a girl to describe her ideal man and you will be likely to hear something about looks (height, complexion etc) and financial statuses. While these are ok things to look for in a man (after all sometimes the heart wants what it wants) they will not make your marriage work!
Judging by the number of divorces and separations growing by the day it is clear that most marriages are not working. Not to be discouraged though there’s a guide to picking a man whose traits will indeed shape your marriage. 
